I've been taught what it feels like to have truly repented, but I don't remember being taught what it feels like to have truly forgiven. I need to be better at actively forgiving people; I don't really think about pursuing forgiving others all that often. I usually just let things slide and I'm over them.
But I was in my Doctrine & Covenants class today, and my professor said that "harboring unforgiveness is a cancer that harms people physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. It can cloud our judgment and stop our progression." He also said that we can completely forgive people, yet still completely dislike them.
My question to you is, "How do you differentiate between unforgiveness and dislike?" Is is that you don't feel any hatred (in the most mild form of the word) towards them? Or that you just don't think bad about them anymore? Where does that line fall between forgiving someone yet still not liking them?
I think that is a hard question. It seems to me that maybe the bitterness is gone. Of course, you still don't like what they did, but you are over the hate as you said. Hate the sin, but love the sinner. You have to come to some sort of understanding of where they were at in their progression, of how the Savior already atoned for their sin even if they haven't apologized to you... that is between them and the Savior. Also, the realization that they are a child of God. Sometimes we can never understand how or why people do things, but we usually can accept that they are a child of God and that their sins are between them and the Lord. If we have been offended our obligation is to "forgive all men" (even if they don't apologize). Sometimes people don't even know they have wronged us. For those who do know, we still don't want to canker our souls by being unable to forgive. Sometimes all we can do is exercise faith in the knowledge we have that all will have to stand before their maker and give an accounting. The Savior can heal all wounds.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to define why you may not like someone. I don't think we necessarily have to like everyone or be their best friends, it would be nice if life was like that but for most it's just not. I don't hate anyone by any means but there are a lot of people that I wouldn't want to hang out with by choice. If someone has done something to offend us (that's a whole other issue to discuss) then we need to find it in our hearts to forgive them for their actions--no holding grudges, no reminding them, ourselves, or others what they did, etc. But we don't have to go out of our way to be their best friend either. It's a fine line and I think that each situation needs to be considered on an individual basis. I think the most important things to remember are who we truly are (our divine heritage) as well as who it is really hurting most in any situation. It definitely hurts us more than them to not forgive and forget and that's not something I personally ever want to deal with!
ReplyDeleteMy aunt Cathy died a couple of years ago. She was an alcoholic, was bi-polar, and had a lot of problems. She ultimately killed herself by overdosing on her medication. It seems to me that much of her illness could be attributed to her father, who was emotionally abusive. For a long time, I blamed him for what happened to Cathy.
ReplyDeleteOne day, when I was visiting my grandfather's grave, I saw him at the cemetery, watering Cathy's grave. I spoke to him for some time that day and found him to be kind and personable. He seemed so grateful for an ear to talk to as he struggled to speak (he has a voice box). Later that day, when I was talking to my mother about this encounter, she told me that he waters Cathy's grave every day. He's brought turf to make it look nicer. He also brought turf to my grandfather's grave and waters it as well. Horrible men don't act in such compassionate ways... right?
That day, I think I learned something. Some people aren't good at loving. Some people aren't good at being good to those who deserve loving treatment, or even to those who make things difficult. However, I don't think this makes them bad people... I think it simply means they've never properly learned to act as compassionate beings in the world.
When I think of people who do wrong to themselves, to others, to the world, to whomever, I think of my own shortcomings and the ways that I have wronged others, said and did things that I perhaps shouldn't have. I think that although my shortcomings are less extreme than those of some others, they stem from the same kind of mistake-- the inability to love others and the world as we should, to be constantly compassionate and generous. I think that identification with those who treat us (or anyone) poorly is the best way to forgive them. They are failing at living to the fullest, just as we all do in our own moments. This helps me to treat them better, because I think that they need help and support, since they are apparently struggling with being the type of person that they perhaps could be.
However, I think it is useful to recognize the people that bring out our own negative qualities and to minimize contact with them and to be very mindful of how we interact with them-- we don't want our dislike of people to bring out our own bad qualities and lead us to treat others unkindly!
I really don't know the difference between being unforgiving and disliking someone. I try to find reasons to like everyone. Perhaps some people annoy or offend us, but EVERY person has good qualities. In recognizing those and trying to understand how peoples negative qualities most often stem from negative experiences or different upbringings they've had, we can understand their flaws and be more accepting of them.
Most often when I dislike someone, it's because of the "dislike" feeling itself! If I can find ways to get along with that person, to latch onto their good qualities, I can overcome the things that I dislike and perhaps eventually help them to overcome them as well. :)
I'm sorry, I'm an extremely wordy person.
good question- I have been trying to figure tht one out myself.
ReplyDeleteI know forgiving someone who has hurt you in some way is one of the most powerful experiences in life. Equal to holding your first born for the first time. It is a physical and spiritual change that comes over you that is so powerful you will never forget it. It comes with an emotional rush that will energize you. Probably cuz a huge burden has been lifted. For sure I do not want to give someone that power over me that not forgiving gives them. Sometimes people, being people, can really tick you off. But they are all Heavenly Father's children and need love and acceptance just as we do. Just forgive even when you wonder if it is needed, and be done with it.
ReplyDeleteGram